It has been a decade since you left me. It hurt me so bad because I didn’t see it coming. I thought that our relationship was forever. A month before you said it was over, you asked me to go with you at your hometown. There was nothing really special about it; just our usual visit to your parents. You knew how much I enjoyed being with your family. They were like my second parents. The visit was a happy one. You even asked me to pretend that I was expecting our first child. I hesitated because I knew that your mother would not take this joke.
Christmas came and we happily exchanged our greetings. Yearends made me sad because I would be forced to face the coming year with hope. You knew that it was my long-time dream to start a family with you with the blessing of matrimony. But believe me, the New Year’s eve eleven years ago was not the saddest because somehow, I have accepted that that elusive marriage proposal would not happen soon.
You did not tell me the real reason why you could not propose. Beyoncé wanted proof in the form of an engagement ring. All I wanted was a piece of paper with written words like “Be my wife.” It was unromantic but you have always been unromantic to me. I was not sure if you were ever proud of me. If you would ask me, I would always be proud of you. I am proud of you until now but I manage to just close my lips and speak nothing about you for fear of being denied.
We had some petty quarrels and I could be difficult to handle sometimes. If I became mad whenever you were late to our meet-ups, it was because I felt that I was undervalued. You tried to surprise me by asking me to get into your new car. Instead of being excited, I criticized you for prioritizing a car loan over our future together. After that incident, I thought that it was just one of our small fights. For two weeks, you kept on ignoring me until I pushed you to tell me what was going on. My mind was busy trying to figure out if your sudden coldness and the lotion for female that I saw at the passenger’s seat of your car were connected.
It was on January 28, 2007 when you texted me that everything was over; that you’ve lost your feelings and I should stop bothering you. I asked if there was a chance to give our relationship a second chance. I reminded you of the good times and how I wanted to be with you. You said that it was really over. Then I decided to agree with you. I slept with so much heaviness in my heart. I forced myself not to cry because I had work the following day.
January 29, 2007, I read all your messages while I was sleeping. I tried myself not to cry. While on my way to my workplace, I looked at the darkness outside the bus. I thought of wishing misfortune on the bus where I was into but realized that I was being selfish for the other passengers. I checked my cellphone and your mood was in limbo. Just last night, you were close to cursing me and hours later, you were apologetic. I asked if we could work things up and you were back to your old stand. That was the moment when I let tears fall down.
The meeting with the company big boss was scheduled on that day. I sit at the back portion of the meeting room. While big boss was talking, I let more tears flow. My colleagues were busy figuring out the big boss’ message while I was busy pretending that I was just wiping excess fluid in my eyes.
That night, you called me up and was still apologetic. I asked if you thought that breaking up with me was the best thing for us. You said yes and my heart was broken again. I asked you if you could just say “I love you” to me for the last time. There was silence and then an obvious awkwardness.
Honestly, the break up was the saddest thing that happened to me. I expected more from you and from our relationship.