The honeymoon stage of our relationship quickly ended. I longed for Grey’s presence because he was always spending time in the office. More than his physical presence, it would have been loving of him if he sent even just a single text message that he was okay. I have always been the type to worry about my loved one’s safety. I did not demand for “I love you “texts; just a single word of assurance that he was okay will do.

I opened that topic after dinner. I told Grey that I noticed some changes in the relationship. I told him that he seemed to be distant most of the time.

“Romantic people are superficial. They are the ones who cheat.”

I asked him why he was caring at the start and what made him change. He did not answer my question. Instead, he grabbed my breasts and fondled them.

“As long as I’m always interested, there’s nothing to worry about.”

He lay me down to bed and unbuttoned my pajama top. I spoke to remind him that we were still talking and sex should not be the focus of our relationship.

“I’ll never get tired of this,” he said in between passionate kisses. I was getting mad for being manipulated. I pushed him away using my arms. He was stunned for a while but rapidly recovered. The next scenes were full of struggle. When I got tired of fighting, he took the opportunity to conquer me. Women who are not aroused do not produce lubricating fluid so it was painful when he forced himself on me. In my final attempt to free myself, I held his arms to push him away. Grey held my arms and pinned then down on the bed. He kissed my breasts and sucked my nipples while pumping. Deep inside, I was angry at him for forcing himself on me and yet the effect of what he was doing on my breasts turned me on. He noticed that I was already in the mood.

I took a glimpse of his face; it was flushing with lust. He grabbed my hair and pulled my head upwards so that I could no longer see him. All I could hear was his moan, a sign that he was finished.

I was confused if what happened was rape or not. What was clear to me at that time was Grey’s ability to divert the topic to one that he would have an advantage of. I was upset when I found out that he did not use protection again. The fear of an unplanned pregnancy had always consumed me in the whole span of our relationship. I confronted him about the rape and he justified that there was no rape because I got turned on along the way.

Did he really love me? Would any man rape the woman he loves? The pain of being in a toxic relationship pushed me to a downward spiral. I am so glad I was able to rebuild my life years later.

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