The short Christmas break gave me the opportunity to face what was really bothering me. Upon our return to the city and to the unit that we were renting, I told Grey about my pregnancy symptoms. He touched my stomach and said that he couldn’t feel any bump. I told him about my sore nipples and my late afternoon sickness and he suggested that I could be suffering from PMS.
We went to work as usual and pretended that every thing was okay. The late afternoon sickness was not going away so Grey decided to bring me to a doctor. I can’t remember why we didn’t go to the hospital where I was a regular customer for an ultrasound. Instead, we went to another hospital where people would not recognize us. To explain the previous visits for an ultrasound, I mentioned that Grey preferred unprotected sex but he was not ready to be a father. Early detection meant early solution if you get what I mean. Therefore, this trip to the doctor to verify my pregnancy was just a normal routine for us.
The receptionist asked my concern and I was lost for words. Grey said that he wanted to know if I was pregnant because the pregnancy test kit showed a faint positive line. I filled up the form and used Grey’s last name to conceal my identity. Then, the receptionist gave me a specimen bottle for my urine sample. I had to buy a bottle of mineral water because I had little urine to pass. When the sample was ready, I went to join Grey on the waiting area.
He was not looking at me. He was just there sitting while occasionally pulling his hair. There were times when I caught him staring at my tummy. When the receptionist called my name, we stood up instantaneously.
“The result is…………………… you’re pregnant! Congratulations!” she said.
“How can that be when she had a faint positive line on the pregnancy test kit?”
“Hmmmm…but our result is 100% accurate. She really is pregnant. Would you like to set an appointment to our resident OB-G?”
We told the receptionist that we would schedule that some other time. She said it was okay but I needed to be seen by a doctor because I was almost three months on the family way. Grey looked at me with suspicious eyes.
While walking, I asked Grey about his plans.
“My parents will not approve this. Sorry, I cannot marry you.”
I nodded but I felt like I was about to faint. I didn’t expect those words from him. I thought of my toddler and how things would change when the new baby comes. I remembered the first time my parents knew about my unplanned pregnancy and how they accepted it but made me promise that I would never do it again. I remembered my ex’s reaction when he learned about my pregnancy. Just like Grey, he was surprised but it was understandable. We were still college students then.
“Grey…. I’ve failed my parents once. They would never accept this second unplanned pregnancy. So please marry me. I am not asking for an extravagant one. Just please marry me.”
He was speechless until we reached our unit. We ate dinner without talking to one another. When we were about to sleep, he finally talked to me.
“Your pregnancy is almost 3 months. Then why did you not tell me about it?”
“It was only in late December when I felt the symptoms.”
“Your ex visited you in December, right?”
“What does it got to do with my pregnancy?”
“Because he could be the one responsible for that!”
“I told you, I was already having pregnancy symptoms when he visited! And nothing happened between us!” I cried while answering.
“Whenever I asked you if you were safe, you would always say you were safe! For what? Are you trying to trap me into marrying you?”
“And how many times did you force me on those days that I was unsafe?”
“You know, I cannot really marry you! I would never be happy settling down with you!”
Those words pierced my heart. I knew I was in the losing end of the argument.
“So what are your plans if you cannot marry me?”
“To make your life difficult. To end your pregnancy.”
“What??? Some first time fathers would do anything to protect their wives’ pregnancy and there you are thinking of ways to end mine!”
“Why, can you afford to stand on your own?”
Can I afford to stand on my own? Fifteen years ago, my answer was no. I was just starting my career and my salary was just enough to support my toddler who was in the company of my parents. I was very confused what to do but knowing that it was a lone fight, I gave in to Grey’s plans. When he said that he wanted to make my life difficult, he was not kidding. He meant it well. The next few weeks would be like a living hell physically and emotionally. His Jekyll and Hyde character would put me into a deeper downward spiral. In terms of physical labor, he stopped bringing his clothes to the laundry and asked me to wash them manually until I get tired. Cleaning our unit would mean scrubbing the floor until I get tired. Now that I was pregnant and safe for unprotected sex, there were more sex, rougher sex to get rid of my pregnancy, according to him.
“The best part of your pregnancy is fucking you.”
There were days when my maternal side dominated my desire to get rid of my pregnancy. I avoided coffee in the office and stroke my tummy gently. I was three months pregnant by this time and the bump was not yet showing. Grey spent most his time drinking and when confronted about it, he asked me to join him in the bar. I ordered mango shake but Grey replaced it with a bottle of beer instead. When he noticed that I was not drinking, he questioned it and presumed that I was protecting my pregnancy and not cooperating to his plan. I finished the bottle of beer and I felt tipsy as I was not used to drinking alcoholic beverages. Grey had two more bottles of beer before we went home.
He started undressing me the moment the door was closed. I told him that the window was still open and somebody from the other building might see us.
“Let them watch us. I don’t care.” My jeans were already open, the top part of my body was exposed. I looked at the window and found the unit from the other building with closed lights. While I was on top of him, I discovered more about his sexual fantasies like making love to a pregnant woman. His second fantasy involved me in a darker way.
“Once I’m done here, five more men will line up to fuck you!”
He held my arms to avoid me from touching him while I moved myself up and down from him. Now it made sense why he didn’t want me to touch him during sex. He was fantasizing about a gang rape all along. My pregnancy was a result of his sexual fantasy.
Fast forward to present day, I could not believe I agreed to that kind of set up. Maybe I was not empowered 15 years ago as compared to now. Why did I confuse love from lust, passion from sexual fantasies? Why did I assume that the level of love was just the same? Why did I let him mess up with my pregnancy?