“I don’t think this is normal.” I told Grey over the phone. It was a busy day at work that day and I felt exhausted. After lunch, my stomach was cramping and my panty liner was soaked in blood.

Grey and I went to the OB/GYN after work. She assessed my condition and suggested a trans-vaginal ultrasound. The result was a blighted ovum and according to the OB/GYN, I needed a D&C immediately. I was admitted an hour later while Grey went to our unit to get me some clothes. The OB/GYN asked him to buy Cytotec to facilitate my miscarriage.

It was my first time to be admitted in a hospital without the presence of my family. I was nervous of what could happen to me later. I wanted to tell my closest friends in the office that I was in big trouble and I needed them to be there for me but Grey warned me not to tell anyone.

“You okay?”it was Grey, “Just pretend that you are in vacation. Look at your room, I got you a suite. Do you want to watch TV or just drink something from here?”

“What will I tell my mother why I cannot go home today?”

“Tell her that you are sick.”

Then he lay down on the hospital bed and started teasing me.

“It amazes me how you can still manage to act like that. You won the game!” I said.

He was about to reply but a nurse entered the room. Grey told her that he was not able to buy the Cytotec that the doctor prescribed. The nurse excused herself for a while and then came back with a news that my D&C would be at eight o’clock that night.

Later, two nurses entered my hospital room with a wheelchair and then asked me to sit on it. I was laughing on the way to the operating room because Grey was making funny faces. Grey would have wanted to join me in the operating room but the OB/GYN politely told him to just wait outside.

“She’s in good hands, don’t worry,”the OB/GYB said.

It was an easy procedure except it felt awkward. While they were removing the gestational sac (if that’s the correct terminology), I wondered if my stress, the ascorbic acid and the punching had something to do with my miscarriage. I hated Grey for everything that I had to went through but I hated myself more for allowing him to do the things that he should not have done in the first place.

When the procedure was done, the male nurse notified Grey. According to the male nurse, Grey was crying when he saw him. I asked him (Grey) later why he cried.

“Because we lost him.”

I never got over my miscarriage. The miscarriage led to a more complicated relationship set up later on. The guilty feelings that we had were slowly eating and poisoning the relationship. The roller coaster of emotions, the love-hate relationship and the love-lust tug-of-war would be a constant staple in our relationship that was doomed from the start. There would be more lies, more pretensions, more manipulations later on.

The miscarriage ended our problem in the short run. In the long run, both of us were put into a black hole until Grey decided that he needed an escape from us. It took him five long years to plan that escape.



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