One time, I chanced upon a male officemate at the bookstore. He asked me if I had other things to do later. I told him that I was just killing time alone.

“You should have your own life, too” he said. He was pertaining to my over-devotion to Grey. I dedicated my life to Grey and though there were abuses, my love for him was stronger than my hatred on him. I put him on the highest pedestal; for whatever reason, I still don’t know up to now. Maybe, there will always be this one person that you will fall hardly in love with. Per F. Scott Fitzgerald, “There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice.”

When Grey found out that I was not the rich girl that he thought I was, he diverted his disappointment on improving me according to his taste and expectations. He selected friends for me and asked me to drop those that he thought would paint a bad picture on the image that he created for me. The basic foundation of our relationship was all about image. It was his obsession with what looked good and what felt good that forced him to stay in our relationship despite the obvious lack of emotional intimacy from his end. All he ever felt was infatuation and followed by lust later on. The stupid thing was, I believed that he was really in love with me and the reason why he acted cold and sexual was because he was just stressed at work! By telling me those lies repeatedly, he convinced me that loving me was the “truth.”

One night, we went to our favorite pizza parlor to eat and drink. We went home a little tipsy…well, I was more tipsy because I had low tolerance for alcohol. We made love and after that, I turned my back to sleep.

“I’m still in the mood. Don’t sleep yet,” he said.

I did not reply. The next thing he did was he tried penetrating me anally. It hurt so much that it awakened me.

“Sorry, I just tried….”

“What are you doing? It hurts so much!”

I don’t remember what we did next. All I remember was a trip to the restroom was a challenge for two days. I was very naïve not to get mad at him; I didn’t know that there was anal sex and what he tried to do was anal rape.

On the other hand, the sexual abuse led me to explore about sensuality. Grey was fond of leaving the window open for ventilation purpose. I was busy cleaning the unit when I noticed that there were three guys watching me from the other building. I pretended not to notice them when I realized that I was just in a flimsy top and panty! In the corner of my eyes, I saw that someone turned off the light so that I wouldn’t see them.  I would like to believe that it was their first time to see the inside of our unit and as well as the occupants. I closed the window.

When Grey arrived home later, I greeted him with a kiss. He was a little surprised at my aggressiveness. I undressed him and went on top of him. In my mind, I was thinking of the three guys who were jerking off earlier.

“That was great! What happened to you?” he was still amazed.

“I don’t know and I don’t want to know.”

 

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