The Awakening

One time, I chanced upon a male officemate at the bookstore. He asked me if I had other things to do later. I told him that I was just killing time alone.

“You should have your own life, too” he said. He was pertaining to my over-devotion to Grey. I dedicated my life to Grey and though there were abuses, my love for him was stronger than my hatred on him. I put him on the highest pedestal; for whatever reason, I still don’t know up to now. Maybe, there will always be this one person that you will fall hardly in love with. Per F. Scott Fitzgerald, “There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice.”

When Grey found out that I was not the rich girl that he thought I was, he diverted his disappointment on improving me according to his taste and expectations. He selected friends for me and asked me to drop those that he thought would paint a bad picture on the image that he created for me. The basic foundation of our relationship was all about image. It was his obsession with what looked good and what felt good that forced him to stay in our relationship despite the obvious lack of emotional intimacy from his end. All he ever felt was infatuation and followed by lust later on. The stupid thing was, I believed that he was really in love with me and the reason why he acted cold and sexual was because he was just stressed at work! By telling me those lies repeatedly, he convinced me that loving me was the “truth.”

One night, we went to our favorite pizza parlor to eat and drink. We went home a little tipsy…well, I was more tipsy because I had low tolerance for alcohol. We made love and after that, I turned my back to sleep.

“I’m still in the mood. Don’t sleep yet,” he said.

I did not reply. The next thing he did was he tried penetrating me anally. It hurt so much that it awakened me.

“Sorry, I just tried….”

“What are you doing? It hurts so much!”

I don’t remember what we did next. All I remember was a trip to the restroom was a challenge for two days. I was very naïve not to get mad at him; I didn’t know that there was anal sex and what he tried to do was anal rape.

On the other hand, the sexual abuse led me to explore about sensuality. Grey was fond of leaving the window open for ventilation purpose. I was busy cleaning the unit when I noticed that there were three guys watching me from the other building. I pretended not to notice them when I realized that I was just in a flimsy top and panty! In the corner of my eyes, I saw that someone turned off the light so that I wouldn’t see them.  I would like to believe that it was their first time to see the inside of our unit and as well as the occupants. I closed the window.

When Grey arrived home later, I greeted him with a kiss. He was a little surprised at my aggressiveness. I undressed him and went on top of him. In my mind, I was thinking of the three guys who were jerking off earlier.

“That was great! What happened to you?” he was still amazed.

“I don’t know and I don’t want to know.”

 

Time Out

Until now, I still don’t know why Grey’s affection for me was in roller coaster mode. Looking back, I became too available for him and never gave him the chance to chase me. I was afraid to lose him and I was willing to surrender my pride if only for the sake of the relationship. Wrong move.

 Grey’s character is something that would fascinate writers and psychologists. He was a good person and a loving son and brother but he could also be a manipulative and domineering boyfriend. My past as a woman with a child born out of wedlock was also an issue for him. To add insult to injury, the woman whom he thought of somebody that was influential in her hometown was just a woman born to a poor family (Well, comparing it with our rich relatives, we were poor by their standards).

 There was probably love but that love was not enough. I was not his ideal girl. Period. Even when he kept his real feelings from me, I could feel where I stood in his life and it made me more paranoid and worried.

 It was one of our company outings at the beach. I asked Grey if he wanted to come with me. He said that it was okay if I went there without him because he had work to finish at the office. It was already dark when we reached the beach. The waves were strong, I could smell the saltwater. One of my teammates, the one who texted me after I was discharged at the hospital, asked me if I had company. I told him that my close friend was with me and she was just at the cottage to pee.

 “What about a date tonight? What do you think?” then he put his arm around my shoulder.

 “Grey will call me up in a while. Excuse me,” it was an alibi.

 Coincidentally, Grey’s officemates had just arrived and had I gave in to his advances, then I would have to explain to Grey what it was all about. Deep inside, I expected that Grey would be one of those who just came in. I wanted him to see the beauty of the beach and maybe there would be another chance to fix our relationship. I waited for Grey’s texts but there were none. I felt a little hurt.

 

The Cat and Mouse Game

Two months after my miscarriage, the issue was no longer being talked about. Grey successfully created a picture of a knight-in-shining armor while I was thought to be somebody who would prioritize career over family life. My officemates thought that I overworked myself to the point of exhaustion.

My father was still unsuspecting and until now, he does not know about what happened. A relative was also working at the same company that I was working for and rumors about my miscarriage reached her and her family in the countryside. In effect, my aunt rushed to our place to verify the news (during my maternity leave) and upon seeing me home, her face was obviously surprised. My alibi was I was on sick leave due to allergic dermatitis and my father told her that I normally had rashes when stressed.

Meanwhile, my ex-boyfriend confirmed his attendance for our child’s birthday. We decided to have a picnic at a relative’s private swimming pool. We went home late in the afternoon. My ex and I went to the greenhouse to talk. The greenhouse at the backyard had a receiving area where it was partly covered to protect against wind, sun and rain. There were also wooden chairs and tables where snacks could be served.

“Thank you for coming to our child’s birthday,” I said. It was an honest appreciation.

“I should be the one to thank you for inviting me in spite of you having a new love,” there was no bitterness on his voice.

I wanted to tell him that I was in trouble but I’ve got my pride, too. In addition, my head was aching. He offered to massage my head and I said it was okay; just like the old times. I closed my eyes to relax. His scalp massage was relaxing. He planted a kiss on my lips. I opened my eyes. His face was so close to me; I could feel his minty breath. His lips, those red lips, were familiar. Those lips used to kiss me years ago. His beautiful eyes and masculine appeal reminded me of our past. I longed for a real romance. I was in love with Grey but his actions were turning me off. I wanted to experience romance again.

I kissed my ex back and did the French kiss. He stopped for a while and examined me.

“Where did you learn that?” I did not reply. Obviously, from Grey! That was a silly question! I touched his manhood and felt that it was hard. I unzipped his jeans and grabbed his manhood.

“What do you think you’re doing?” My ex stopped me from holding his manhood. I knew that he was just worried about where we were. The greenhouse offered some privacy so I knew that nobody would see us doing something.

“Why, you still assume that I am that innocent girl that you took the virginity away?”

He paused. Then started kissing me again. My hands were back to where they were exploring a while ago. I pulled my V-neck shirt down and exposed my breasts. His right hand searched for my panty and found it wet already.

“No penetration, please.”

“It’s okay. But will this satisfy you?” he rubbed my clitoris and occasionally fingered my hole. He asked why I no longer complain about being fingered. I concentrated on giving him a hand job. He sucked my nipples and I could tell the difference between him and Grey’s style. There was more passion and tenderness in my ex’s foreplay than Grey’s. Sometimes, there was no foreplay at all with Grey. He delighted in seeing me in pain. Minutes later, we both had an orgasm.

“You know, you’re cheating on Grey.”

“How can that be cheating when there was no penetration?”

“You let me do those things. I’m just confused. Why don’t we just get back together?”

“I’m pregnant,” I made an alibi.

“I don’t care. I’ll take care of you and the baby. Just leave Grey and come back to me!”

I realized that my ex was still not over me and the physical intimacy that I was enjoying with him was causing more harm than good for him. It would be a start to a cat and mouse game.

 

His Discovery

The HR Manager scolded me when she found out that I reported to work. It was reasonable because I did not only put my health at risk, but also the company for allowing me in. I was sent home on the same day and Grey’s plan about keeping my miscarriage backfired on him. There were more queries on what really happened and what we did about the pregnancy. He tried to appear cool about it by saying that it was just a case of a blighted ovum but deep inside, the miscarriage bothered him a lot because we did what we were not supposed to do.

Grey could not handle the silent criticism so he tried his best to appear as the perfect gentleman ready to rescue his damsel in distress. Those were all for the show because the moment he and I were together, he started showing signs of annoyance because the miscarriage put more pressure on him to marry me or stay with me.

I was humiliated by what happened to me and to be honest, I just put on a brave face and pretended that I was okay. Truth was, I did not want anyone to see me on maternity leave and I would rather go hungry than get out to buy something to eat. On a positive note, I was able to save my food allowance to continue sending money for my toddler.

It was past 8PM when Grey arrived home. I asked him if he brought home anything to eat. He was not in good mood and he went straight to the bed. I asked him again if he had plans of buying food. In an irritated tone, he said that I should buy my own food if I was hungry.I did not bother him any longer. I bought a cheeseburger and while eating, tears were falling down.

But of course, he needed to pretend that he was the perfect gentleman. The next day, he asked me to eat on a restaurant where our officemates could spot us. There were “hello’s” and “how are you’s” from officemates later on. He succeeded!

Because he was in high spirits, I told him that maybe, I should just finish my maternity leave at my parents’ home. I realized that I needed more nutrition and I would not get that in Grey’s company.

“Why, are you bored here?”

“No, I just miss my family.”

“Why, don’t you miss me?”

“I promise to come back as soon as I’m okay.”

“But you look okay.”

Grey finally agreed that I needed to go home to recuperate. He asked me to wait until the weekend to go home. In all fairness, he always accompanied me to the bus terminal and he made sure that I was okay.

“Always sit beside an old lady,” that was his constant reminder whenever I travelled.

“Grey, don’t you think it’s time to meet my parents?”

“I am afraid to meet them.”

Well, he should be afraid. My father’s temper during his prime was something that people should take seriously. I texted my mother that there’s a possibility that my boyfriend would be coming home with me.

“Why, is he proposing?” my mom texted back.

Deep inside, I would have wanted to say “Oh, mom! Grey never had plans of marrying me.”

I confided to my mother about what happened. She was so upset at me and at the same time, she was very understanding of what happened. She asked me what’s keeping us from getting married in spite of what happened. I told her that both of us were not ready yet.

Finally, Grey agreed to go home with me. Along the way, he asked a lot of questions about my family, if we were influential and if my parents were powerful in our place. I told him that we were just an ordinary family with an extra-ordinary family tree. To his surprise, instead of a mansion, we lived in an old and small house. Instead of a glamorous mother, he met a lady dressed in an old duster house dress. He was speechless. My mother tried her best to make him comfortable. She thought that Grey was just very shy. My father tried to intimidate him. I would like to sink at my seat at that time!

While we were on the living room, Grey’s eyes looked at every corner of the room. There was even one instance when he opened the refrigerator to check on what was inside. He probably imagined us owning a two-door refrigerator with lots of foods inside.

Disappointed was an understatement if I would assess his reaction about my family’s social standing. He was disillusioned! I realize now that his shock was not because he met my parents but because he expected us to be rich like our relatives.

I Should Have Shouted For Help

I was discharged the following day using the company health card. Since the professional fee of the OB/GYN was not covered on the health card, Grey borrowed money from his teammates. I would forever be grateful to his teammates for helping us when we were still penniless. Grey hated this kind of life and he always dreamed of a better life. At the early years in our relationship, there were times when he secretly went to our place to meet me. Those were the times when the relationship was still in infancy stage. In a way, he learned about my family and how we were related to some of the powers-that-be in our place. I often reminded him that though we had influential relatives and family friends, we were at the poor side of the family tree. How poor was poor would depend upon his discovery later on.

One thing that I wanted in him was his financial responsibility. Though he assumed that my family was well-off, he didn’t let me pay a single centavo for my hospitalization. Back to our unit, the caretaker was surprised to see me on a Sunday afternoon as she was used to my going home to the countryside every weekends. I told her that I was on a sick leave and she assumed that I had lung problems.

Grey bought dinner from a fast food. We did not talk about what happened or rather, we avoided talking about the D&C. Instead, he instructed me to go to work the following day to erase all doubts about the miscarriage. I agreed though I was still very dizzy and unsure if I could come to work the next day.

Before bedtime, he started fondling my breasts. I removed his hand and turned my back on him. He pinned my shoulders down on the bed and went on top of me. I struggled. I threatened to shout for help.

“Then shout! If you want other people to know, go ahead!”

I was in my early 20’s then and image was important. If anybody knew about my ordeal, it would drag my “market value” down. This was Asia, folks! Overwhelmed and confused about his actions, Grey took the chance to overpower me more. He tore down my pajama top and removed my panty.

“I am bleeding. Don’t do this,” I begged.

He did not listen. I was still hurting due to the procedure. He ejaculated inside of me and went to sleep as if nothing happened. Afraid of the possible infection, I went to the restroom to clean myself. I looked at myself on the mirror: red eyes from crying, torn clothes, blood on my private part, half-naked body. I looked awful!

The only consolation that I had on that night was receiving two text messages: one from a girl friend and another from a male teammate. They asked about what happened and if I was okay. I told them that I would report to work the following day and there was nothing to worry about.

The Start of a Black Hole

“I don’t think this is normal.” I told Grey over the phone. It was a busy day at work that day and I felt exhausted. After lunch, my stomach was cramping and my panty liner was soaked in blood.

Grey and I went to the OB/GYN after work. She assessed my condition and suggested a trans-vaginal ultrasound. The result was a blighted ovum and according to the OB/GYN, I needed a D&C immediately. I was admitted an hour later while Grey went to our unit to get me some clothes. The OB/GYN asked him to buy Cytotec to facilitate my miscarriage.

It was my first time to be admitted in a hospital without the presence of my family. I was nervous of what could happen to me later. I wanted to tell my closest friends in the office that I was in big trouble and I needed them to be there for me but Grey warned me not to tell anyone.

“You okay?”it was Grey, “Just pretend that you are in vacation. Look at your room, I got you a suite. Do you want to watch TV or just drink something from here?”

“What will I tell my mother why I cannot go home today?”

“Tell her that you are sick.”

Then he lay down on the hospital bed and started teasing me.

“It amazes me how you can still manage to act like that. You won the game!” I said.

He was about to reply but a nurse entered the room. Grey told her that he was not able to buy the Cytotec that the doctor prescribed. The nurse excused herself for a while and then came back with a news that my D&C would be at eight o’clock that night.

Later, two nurses entered my hospital room with a wheelchair and then asked me to sit on it. I was laughing on the way to the operating room because Grey was making funny faces. Grey would have wanted to join me in the operating room but the OB/GYN politely told him to just wait outside.

“She’s in good hands, don’t worry,”the OB/GYB said.

It was an easy procedure except it felt awkward. While they were removing the gestational sac (if that’s the correct terminology), I wondered if my stress, the ascorbic acid and the punching had something to do with my miscarriage. I hated Grey for everything that I had to went through but I hated myself more for allowing him to do the things that he should not have done in the first place.

When the procedure was done, the male nurse notified Grey. According to the male nurse, Grey was crying when he saw him. I asked him (Grey) later why he cried.

“Because we lost him.”

I never got over my miscarriage. The miscarriage led to a more complicated relationship set up later on. The guilty feelings that we had were slowly eating and poisoning the relationship. The roller coaster of emotions, the love-hate relationship and the love-lust tug-of-war would be a constant staple in our relationship that was doomed from the start. There would be more lies, more pretensions, more manipulations later on.

The miscarriage ended our problem in the short run. In the long run, both of us were put into a black hole until Grey decided that he needed an escape from us. It took him five long years to plan that escape.

 

“I Love You. Good Night.”

“Grey, I’m spotting!”

I woke him up as if it was an emergency. He asked if it was heavy or not. I told him that it was very light. We went to work that day.

While in the office, my stomach was cramping. It was painful but a tolerable one. The spotting was still there, I felt like having my period. The on and off spotting lasted for one week. Then I noticed that my nipples were no longer sore and I could tolerate my officemate’s perfume already.

In spite of his decision to keep the baby, Grey did not slow down on his nightly drinking with his friends. One night, I became paranoid again of what could have happened to the baby so I texted him to go home. No reply.

“Go home now. Hyperacidity.”

It was a code that meant “Go home now. Cramping.” It worked because after half an hour, he was home but very drunk. He checked my underwear and found no blood on it. He was obviously pissed off because I tricked him into going home so he lied down on the floor to sleep.

“Why did you say that you were cramping?”

“I wanted you to go home.”

“I’m just having fun.”

“And I am no fun to be with?”

No reply. He seemed to fall into sleep. I removed his shoes, jeans and shirt until all was left was his underwear. I wet a face towel to freshen him up.

“My wife is serving me.”

I thought he was sleeping. He got up and went to our bed. I told him to brush his teeth first before sleeping. Yes, like a dutiful….wife? He did but the smell of beer was still evident. He wanted to kiss me and I hesitated because of that.

“Don’t worry, it will just be a kiss. I’m having a bad headache. I need to sleep.”

The kiss started gently and in the middle of it, passionately. Both of us were fond of French kissing. It was like a game. Whoever gets tired first will lose.

“I love you. Good night.”

“I love you, too Grey. Good night.”

His Revelation

For some reasons, Grey wanted to keep the baby but he was still strong in his decision not to marry me. I asked him if his parents were already aware of my condition. He said that he would only tell them what happened on the day that he would give the baby for them to take care of. Grey’s idea added more to my stress. First, he was not willing to marry me. Second, he was only after the baby.

After having dinner, we decided to take a walk to talk. I wanted to know why he changed his mind about keeping the baby.

“I have taken large doses of ascorbic acid that is enough to deform the fetus!”

“But you did not bleed that is why we are keeping the baby!”

“What??? Because I did not bleed? You should not have pushed me from doing it, in the first place!”

“I told you, I am not ready!”

“Ready for what? Marriage or fatherhood?”

“BOTH! But I can learn about fatherhood more than about being a married man!”

“I hate you! You used me! You used me to feed your fantasies! You ruined me!”

At this point, people were already stopping to check if we were arguing or what. We became aware of it so we moved to another area for more privacy.

“Have I told you that I was a product of a failed abortion?”

“You are just making stories.”

“It’s true! My mother tried to abort me, she told me about it years later; unaware that the revelation affected me. The first time you said you could be pregnant, I was very afraid. I wished for your miscarriage. But when I saw you taking large doses of ascorbic acid to end your pregnancy, I felt pity for the baby. I saw myself in his situation. Unwanted. Unloved.”

Grey sat down on the bench. I was still standing, dumbfounded.

“You wish to end the cycle in your family where abortion is an option. I also wish to end my cycle of unplanned pregnancy. So whether you like it or not, I AM NOT KEEPING YOUR CHILD!”

I punched my lower abdomen very hard. Grey had never seen me so furious. Instead of asking me to stop, he walked out. The fury and the punching ate so much of my energy. With Grey gone, I sat down on the bench and cried.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby, I’m sorry.”

Grey went back and said that we better go home. While walking, I felt a gush of liquid on my underwear. We stopped to a public restroom to check.

“It was nothing, just a clear liquid,” I told Grey.

“The baby is probably mad at you for punching him.”

Later at our unit, Grey caressed my tummy and removed my panty. I told him that if he wanted to keep the baby, then we should refrain from making love.

“No rough sex, I promise,” then he kissed my sore nipples. He positioned himself on top of me and gently penetrated me. While doing this, I felt a gush of liquid again. I was not yet orgasming so I told Grey that it could still be the effect of my punching earlier. I moved my legs in an attempt to stop him. He stopped for a while then looked at me in the eye.

“You will let me finish first,” then his hands pushed my legs apart and started penetrating me again. I was now angry and I started reminding him about what happened earlier.

“You talk too much!” he said.

He put his left hand to cover my mouth, his left arm pinned down my left arm, too while his right hand secured my right arm. I could not move as his body was on top of me. Then, I felt that he was licking my breasts; it aroused me. When he sucked my nipples, I let go of a soft moan.

“Do you love me?” he asked.

I did not answer right away. He sucked my nipples harder.

“Ohh…please!”

“Do you love me?”

“Yes, I love you.”

“Then you will make love with me, anytime, anywhere.”

“Do as you want.”

It was one of the big orgasms that I had after finding out about my pregnancy.

“I thought you wanted me to be gentle.” Grey teased me after our sex. He was pertaining to my thrusting prior to our orgasm.

“You rocked the bed!” he added.

I would have wanted to tell him that yes, I enjoyed the sex. There were times when I enjoyed the forced sex, too. Grey knew how to turn me on when he wanted to and when to pursue with a real rape. The only source of intimacy between us was lust. I would have wanted a real relationship with  true love.

Before I slept, I thought about taking care of the baby and make his life different from what his father experienced. Maybe, it was not yet too late to be a good mother.

First Signs of Paranoia

I had brought so much pain and shame to my conservative parents when I got pregnant out of wedlock. I would have wanted to get married but my then-boyfriend was not yet ready. Even if he was, my parents did not welcome the idea of me walking down the aisle with him. I was 19 years old.

I left the baby to my parents to continue my studies. Indirectly, I asked my ex-future father in law, who had a house in the city, if they could accommodate the baby. When he answered that there would be more relatives on my side to take care of the baby, I did not insist.

The first pregnancy was unplanned, too. We were on the verge of a break-up when I learned about my pregnancy. The next two years after giving birth was a roller coaster ride to heaven and hell. My ex was the sweetest man but he could turn into a monster when jealousy strikes. Slapping, shoving and even threating were his forte. On the contrary to Grey’s maniacal sex drive, our lovemaking was full of love and gentleness. What ruined the beautiful relationship was his obsession to the idea of being in love and staying in love to the point of suffocation.

I was on my way to my parents’ house when I thought of telling my ex about my problem. I composed a text message but something was stopping me not to do so. Instead, I searched for my friend’s number and asked if she could help me.

Sandy was my high school BFF. We were inseparable until we had to study in different school in college. We exchanged letters and we saw each other every summer vacation. Sandy’s family was conservative, too. I was friends with her sisters and they regarded me as a family member. She wrote me a letter when she learned about my first pregnancy from a common friend. My pregnancy started as a rumor and when the baby was out, the news spread like wild fire! It was my first taste of family scandal and it took me years to move on from that guilt.

Sandy was now a licensed pharmacist. I texted her about my unplanned second pregnancy and asked her if she could give me a medicine to induce miscarriage. I knew it was a slap on her face considering two things: first,  she was a pharmacist and her role was to save life, not terminate it and second, her conservative beliefs would not allow me to have an abortion.

I waited for Sandy’s reply but there was none. I took it as a sign that she was very mad at me. Monday morning, I was travelling back to the city when I received a text message from her. Those were the days of Nokia phones and there was this cute image of a frog holding flowers and beneath it were the words, “Sorry, I cannot help you. I hope you understand.”

I was so ashamed of what I asked her to do. It has been 15 years yet I still remember the frog-holding-flowers text message.

After work, I went home ahead of Grey, as usual. He justified his workaholism due to my pregnancy. I tried my best to understand him but there were just some days when all I needed was his assurance that whatever happened, the two of us would stick together. Grey normally went home by 10PM if he came straight from the office but he could go home as late as 12 midnight when he needed time to relax with his friends. I waited for him until 10 PM until I fell into sleep. A text message disturbed my sleep and thinking it was from Grey, I picked the phone to read it. False alarm, it was from my teammate. The time was now 12AM. I texted Grey if he was on the way. No reply. My hands were starting to get cold because of stress so I decided to go to the restroom to wash his clothes. It took me until 2AM to finish the laundry and still, there was no Grey. I ringed his cellphone and found out that it was turned off. I texted his teammates but nobody was answering. I decided to find out myself what happened to him so I changed my clothes and decided to go to his office.

It was 2:30 AM and there I was on the way to his office. I took a cab and asked him to wait for me at the parking space. The company guard asked me what I was doing at that early hour. I told him that Grey asked me to come over. The guard said that Grey left at around 12 midnight. I told him that Grey asked me to check his desk because he left his wallet and we had to settle the bill at the bar. The guard was convinced of my alibi so he allowed me to proceed to Grey’s office. There were some employees from the other department who was on night shift so it was safe to go there.

At the office, I hurriedly went to Grey’s desk and check his computer. It was still warm. It was either the guard miscalculated Grey’s exit time or Grey set the computer’s power off to 2PM. Grey was no longer at the office so I decided to go home. I changed my mind and went inside a restaurant, instead. I called up Grey’s officemate and asked him to see me at the restaurant because Grey was missing. Yes, I was that paranoid. His officemate asked me my location and I told him that I was just a few steps away from his house. It was 4:30 AM. He said that he could not come but he asked me to stay inside and not leave.

After 30 minutes, I saw a familiar figure walking towards me. It was Grey. I hugged him and then I cried.

“What do you think you are doing?” he asked.

“Finding you. I thought that something bad happened to you!”

“You are just being paranoid.”

“I am paranoid. What will happen to me and the baby when you’re gone?”

“Let’s go home. I will not be gone. Don’t do this again, okay?”

From the point of view of his officemates and teammates, I was a controlling and paranoid girlfriend. Controlling? No. Paranoid? Yes. Who am I in Grey’s life to be able to control him? But yes, I was paranoid about losing him. I didn’t care if I put myself in bad light as long as Grey was safe then I was happy.

 

 

 

 

Unwanted Child

I took the ascorbic acid religiously for three days but it did not produce the effect that we wanted. I cried myself to sleep and I was awakened by Grey’s caresses. I pretended that I went back to sleep because I didn’t want him to see my puffy eyes. I realized that he was not touching me in a sexual way but unexpectedly, in a loving way. More than that, he was caressing my tummy and not that thing between my thighs.

“I’m sorry for messing up your life.”

Tears fell down my shoulder.

He was crying. Until now, I am trying to analyze if those tears were for me or for our baby. I didn’t ask him about it because I pretended to be sleeping. There was no sex that night and for whatever reasons, he just slept while embracing me. I slowly moved and turned my back away from him.

The next day, I told him that I was not yet bleeding. He said that maybe that was a sign to discontinue whatever plans we had about terminating the pregnancy. I asked him if that meant keeping the pregnancy and marrying him. He said that he has not changed his mind about not marrying me. In my rage, I took a tablet of ascorbic acid again.

“If something happens on the baby…!!!”

“Then what? Why are you acting so concerned about the baby when it was you who asked me to abort this?”

“I realize that I want to keep the baby. Bring him to my parents and let them take care of him.”

“And do you think I’ll let it happen?”

“Okay, bring the baby to your family and let’s see if they would accept him. Remember that you have a child there, too!”

I did not argue any longer with Grey. Instead, I secretly put the ascorbic acid bottle inside my bag. I would have to continue with the original plan.