I was awakened by a heavy weight on top of me; I couldn’t breathe. I tried to move my arms but they were tied on the bed post. An object touched my neck, I was not sure if it was a gun or a knife. I knew I was in trouble.

Three years ago, a thief walked into our unit while Grey and I were sleeping. The trauma of having an unwelcome visitor still affects me up to the present time. But on that particular night, I knew that the case was different from three years earlier.

I tried to adjust myself from the dark surroundings to at least identify who was on top of me. The intruder was breathing heavily, the scent of alcohol was recognizable. I thought of Grey who must still be out and working…or enjoying? The intruder started harassing me. He touched me on my private parts then I tried to close my thighs. Then he removed my underwear and rubbed his penis on my vagina. He tried to penetrate me but was unsuccessful at first because of the dryness. The next attempt was successful and painful. The intruder mashed my breasts while pumping. He was breathing heavily while I was silently crying. When he was over, he turned on the light. Still in shock, I was speechless while he was untying me.

“Don’t cry. It’s just me!”

I did not answer.

“You did not enjoy because you thought it was another man?”

I did not answer.

“It’s okay, it’s over.”

I did not answer.

“It was not rape, I was just playing.”

I did not answer.

I did not answer because it was useless to argue with a drunken Grey.


Pleasure Coach

A year later .

I was the last one to know that Grey was hunting for a new job in another city. When I confronted him about it, he simply said that he was just trying and nothing else. He encouraged me to find a new job, too. It was my first time to set up an online resume’; Grey was there to help me on it.

We had dinner at our favorite restaurant. We had fun talking about future career plans. He was good at career planning. He was talking most of the time; he was at his best element that night. He explained why he had to find a new job. He said that it was because he wanted a career and not just a job. He said that our salary was not enough to raise a family. He was careful not to bring up the topic of my previous pregnancy.

At out unit later, I told him that while I was happy for his motivation to improve his life, I would be very sad to be living alone on our love nest. It was a rollercoaster relationship but I would have wanted to be with him than to be living solemnly but alone.

“You’re acting as if you’re the only one who’s affected. I am also affected,” he said.

I kissed him on his lips and he kissed me back passionately.

“I worry about your faithfulness,” he said in between kisses, “I can think of you and pleasure myself from the memories but you, you don’t do it so what if you find another man to satisfy your urges?”

“You’re crazy!” I said.

“Prove to me that you can do it alone. Pretend that I am not here. Show me how you pleasure yourself. Then, I can be assured that you will not be unfaithful to me.”

At first, I thought that it was a joke. I expected it to be part of his foreplay. I expected either a rough sex or a forced sex. But he was too insistent so as a dutiful girlfriend, I tried it. Well, I was not trying to be prudent because my first self-pleasure was when I was fourteen. It was memorable because I didn’t even know that I was masturbating already! For some reasons, I played with my nipples and then I had orgasm. It was pleasurable but as soon as the rhythmic movements stopped, I panicked and almost cried!

“Pretend that I am not here. Remove your clothes. Would you like me to turn on the dim light, instead?” Grey said.

He distanced himself from me and sat at the edge of the bed. I removed my shirt and jeans and lied down.

“Remove your underwear,” he said.

Removing my underwear was too much so I did not oblige. Instead, I pulled down my bra and exposed my breasts. I closed my eyes and fondled my twin peaks. I pinched my nipples in between my fingers as if someone’s sucking on them. I was completely turned on and I almost forgot that there’s someone there watching over me. I opened my eyes to check on Grey.

“Continue….” he said while holding his erection.

I closed my eyes again and went back to fondling my breasts. I rubbed my clitoris and before I could continue, Grey removed my panty and instructed me to turn my back on him. It was a forceless thrust because I was lubricated. I could see Grey pumping on me through the large headboard mirror.

“I will cum inside. Just take the emergency pill.”

It was one hell of a lovemaking and I let go of a loud moan. Grey covered my mouth with his right hand while his left hand mashed my breasts.

“Good job!”

He was referring to my first masturbation as an adult.

Hide and Seek

Letter from my ex:

Dear “365daystoponder,”

How are you? I miss you. I still care about you.

I want to win you back.

You’re still the one.


“The Ex”


The ex tried his best to win me back. He relocated to the city where I stayed. He tried to search for every apartment. He spent hours standing on the busy spot where office workers normally pass by. I witnessed it all because I saw it with my two eyes. Ah, the advantage of knowing alternative routes!

The ex tried his best to get over me. He had a one night stand with a woman that he met at a bar. When it was time to dress up, the wallet was accidentally dropped on the floor, exposing a picture of a woman with a baby.

“She’s lovely. Who is she?” the stranger asked.

“My baby and my ex,” he allegedly said.

The stranger cried because she felt that my ex just used her to release his sexual tension.

“You are not over her yet.”

“I don’t understand why you’re affected.”

The stranger explained that she secretly admired my ex and found ways on how to get near him. When she saw him drinking alone at the bar, she knew it was the right time to pursue her plan. But my ex was not drinking just for the sake of drinking. He was drinking because I turned him down.

The physical attraction was still strong yet I knew that my heart would only belong to Grey. His trips to my parents’ house would always result to passionate kisses and heavy petting. I wanted his touch, his passionate touch, but my heart belonged to Grey.

Grey looked down on him, even ridiculed him. He tried to find chances to punch him on the face because of insecurity. Grey knew that my ex was in the city because some common friends could have told him. Our well-meaning friends that were not aware of what’s happening inside our unit thought that they were being concerned!


The Awakening

One time, I chanced upon a male officemate at the bookstore. He asked me if I had other things to do later. I told him that I was just killing time alone.

“You should have your own life, too” he said. He was pertaining to my over-devotion to Grey. I dedicated my life to Grey and though there were abuses, my love for him was stronger than my hatred on him. I put him on the highest pedestal; for whatever reason, I still don’t know up to now. Maybe, there will always be this one person that you will fall hardly in love with. Per F. Scott Fitzgerald, “There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice.”

When Grey found out that I was not the rich girl that he thought I was, he diverted his disappointment on improving me according to his taste and expectations. He selected friends for me and asked me to drop those that he thought would paint a bad picture on the image that he created for me. The basic foundation of our relationship was all about image. It was his obsession with what looked good and what felt good that forced him to stay in our relationship despite the obvious lack of emotional intimacy from his end. All he ever felt was infatuation and followed by lust later on. The stupid thing was, I believed that he was really in love with me and the reason why he acted cold and sexual was because he was just stressed at work! By telling me those lies repeatedly, he convinced me that loving me was the “truth.”

One night, we went to our favorite pizza parlor to eat and drink. We went home a little tipsy…well, I was more tipsy because I had low tolerance for alcohol. We made love and after that, I turned my back to sleep.

“I’m still in the mood. Don’t sleep yet,” he said.

I did not reply. The next thing he did was he tried penetrating me anally. It hurt so much that it awakened me.

“Sorry, I just tried….”

“What are you doing? It hurts so much!”

I don’t remember what we did next. All I remember was a trip to the restroom was a challenge for two days. I was very naïve not to get mad at him; I didn’t know that there was anal sex and what he tried to do was anal rape.

On the other hand, the sexual abuse led me to explore about sensuality. Grey was fond of leaving the window open for ventilation purpose. I was busy cleaning the unit when I noticed that there were three guys watching me from the other building. I pretended not to notice them when I realized that I was just in a flimsy top and panty! In the corner of my eyes, I saw that someone turned off the light so that I wouldn’t see them.  I would like to believe that it was their first time to see the inside of our unit and as well as the occupants. I closed the window.

When Grey arrived home later, I greeted him with a kiss. He was a little surprised at my aggressiveness. I undressed him and went on top of him. In my mind, I was thinking of the three guys who were jerking off earlier.

“That was great! What happened to you?” he was still amazed.

“I don’t know and I don’t want to know.”


Time Out

Until now, I still don’t know why Grey’s affection for me was in roller coaster mode. Looking back, I became too available for him and never gave him the chance to chase me. I was afraid to lose him and I was willing to surrender my pride if only for the sake of the relationship. Wrong move.

 Grey’s character is something that would fascinate writers and psychologists. He was a good person and a loving son and brother but he could also be a manipulative and domineering boyfriend. My past as a woman with a child born out of wedlock was also an issue for him. To add insult to injury, the woman whom he thought of somebody that was influential in her hometown was just a woman born to a poor family (Well, comparing it with our rich relatives, we were poor by their standards).

 There was probably love but that love was not enough. I was not his ideal girl. Period. Even when he kept his real feelings from me, I could feel where I stood in his life and it made me more paranoid and worried.

 It was one of our company outings at the beach. I asked Grey if he wanted to come with me. He said that it was okay if I went there without him because he had work to finish at the office. It was already dark when we reached the beach. The waves were strong, I could smell the saltwater. One of my teammates, the one who texted me after I was discharged at the hospital, asked me if I had company. I told him that my close friend was with me and she was just at the cottage to pee.

 “What about a date tonight? What do you think?” then he put his arm around my shoulder.

 “Grey will call me up in a while. Excuse me,” it was an alibi.

 Coincidentally, Grey’s officemates had just arrived and had I gave in to his advances, then I would have to explain to Grey what it was all about. Deep inside, I expected that Grey would be one of those who just came in. I wanted him to see the beauty of the beach and maybe there would be another chance to fix our relationship. I waited for Grey’s texts but there were none. I felt a little hurt.


The Cat and Mouse Game

Two months after my miscarriage, the issue was no longer being talked about. Grey successfully created a picture of a knight-in-shining armor while I was thought to be somebody who would prioritize career over family life. My officemates thought that I overworked myself to the point of exhaustion.

My father was still unsuspecting and until now, he does not know about what happened. A relative was also working at the same company that I was working for and rumors about my miscarriage reached her and her family in the countryside. In effect, my aunt rushed to our place to verify the news (during my maternity leave) and upon seeing me home, her face was obviously surprised. My alibi was I was on sick leave due to allergic dermatitis and my father told her that I normally had rashes when stressed.

Meanwhile, my ex-boyfriend confirmed his attendance for our child’s birthday. We decided to have a picnic at a relative’s private swimming pool. We went home late in the afternoon. My ex and I went to the greenhouse to talk. The greenhouse at the backyard had a receiving area where it was partly covered to protect against wind, sun and rain. There were also wooden chairs and tables where snacks could be served.

“Thank you for coming to our child’s birthday,” I said. It was an honest appreciation.

“I should be the one to thank you for inviting me in spite of you having a new love,” there was no bitterness on his voice.

I wanted to tell him that I was in trouble but I’ve got my pride, too. In addition, my head was aching. He offered to massage my head and I said it was okay; just like the old times. I closed my eyes to relax. His scalp massage was relaxing. He planted a kiss on my lips. I opened my eyes. His face was so close to me; I could feel his minty breath. His lips, those red lips, were familiar. Those lips used to kiss me years ago. His beautiful eyes and masculine appeal reminded me of our past. I longed for a real romance. I was in love with Grey but his actions were turning me off. I wanted to experience romance again.

I kissed my ex back and did the French kiss. He stopped for a while and examined me.

“Where did you learn that?” I did not reply. Obviously, from Grey! That was a silly question! I touched his manhood and felt that it was hard. I unzipped his jeans and grabbed his manhood.

“What do you think you’re doing?” My ex stopped me from holding his manhood. I knew that he was just worried about where we were. The greenhouse offered some privacy so I knew that nobody would see us doing something.

“Why, you still assume that I am that innocent girl that you took the virginity away?”

He paused. Then started kissing me again. My hands were back to where they were exploring a while ago. I pulled my V-neck shirt down and exposed my breasts. His right hand searched for my panty and found it wet already.

“No penetration, please.”

“It’s okay. But will this satisfy you?” he rubbed my clitoris and occasionally fingered my hole. He asked why I no longer complain about being fingered. I concentrated on giving him a hand job. He sucked my nipples and I could tell the difference between him and Grey’s style. There was more passion and tenderness in my ex’s foreplay than Grey’s. Sometimes, there was no foreplay at all with Grey. He delighted in seeing me in pain. Minutes later, we both had an orgasm.

“You know, you’re cheating on Grey.”

“How can that be cheating when there was no penetration?”

“You let me do those things. I’m just confused. Why don’t we just get back together?”

“I’m pregnant,” I made an alibi.

“I don’t care. I’ll take care of you and the baby. Just leave Grey and come back to me!”

I realized that my ex was still not over me and the physical intimacy that I was enjoying with him was causing more harm than good for him. It would be a start to a cat and mouse game.


His Discovery

The HR Manager scolded me when she found out that I reported to work. It was reasonable because I did not only put my health at risk, but also the company for allowing me in. I was sent home on the same day and Grey’s plan about keeping my miscarriage backfired on him. There were more queries on what really happened and what we did about the pregnancy. He tried to appear cool about it by saying that it was just a case of a blighted ovum but deep inside, the miscarriage bothered him a lot because we did what we were not supposed to do.

Grey could not handle the silent criticism so he tried his best to appear as the perfect gentleman ready to rescue his damsel in distress. Those were all for the show because the moment he and I were together, he started showing signs of annoyance because the miscarriage put more pressure on him to marry me or stay with me.

I was humiliated by what happened to me and to be honest, I just put on a brave face and pretended that I was okay. Truth was, I did not want anyone to see me on maternity leave and I would rather go hungry than get out to buy something to eat. On a positive note, I was able to save my food allowance to continue sending money for my toddler.

It was past 8PM when Grey arrived home. I asked him if he brought home anything to eat. He was not in good mood and he went straight to the bed. I asked him again if he had plans of buying food. In an irritated tone, he said that I should buy my own food if I was hungry.I did not bother him any longer. I bought a cheeseburger and while eating, tears were falling down.

But of course, he needed to pretend that he was the perfect gentleman. The next day, he asked me to eat on a restaurant where our officemates could spot us. There were “hello’s” and “how are you’s” from officemates later on. He succeeded!

Because he was in high spirits, I told him that maybe, I should just finish my maternity leave at my parents’ home. I realized that I needed more nutrition and I would not get that in Grey’s company.

“Why, are you bored here?”

“No, I just miss my family.”

“Why, don’t you miss me?”

“I promise to come back as soon as I’m okay.”

“But you look okay.”

Grey finally agreed that I needed to go home to recuperate. He asked me to wait until the weekend to go home. In all fairness, he always accompanied me to the bus terminal and he made sure that I was okay.

“Always sit beside an old lady,” that was his constant reminder whenever I travelled.

“Grey, don’t you think it’s time to meet my parents?”

“I am afraid to meet them.”

Well, he should be afraid. My father’s temper during his prime was something that people should take seriously. I texted my mother that there’s a possibility that my boyfriend would be coming home with me.

“Why, is he proposing?” my mom texted back.

Deep inside, I would have wanted to say “Oh, mom! Grey never had plans of marrying me.”

I confided to my mother about what happened. She was so upset at me and at the same time, she was very understanding of what happened. She asked me what’s keeping us from getting married in spite of what happened. I told her that both of us were not ready yet.

Finally, Grey agreed to go home with me. Along the way, he asked a lot of questions about my family, if we were influential and if my parents were powerful in our place. I told him that we were just an ordinary family with an extra-ordinary family tree. To his surprise, instead of a mansion, we lived in an old and small house. Instead of a glamorous mother, he met a lady dressed in an old duster house dress. He was speechless. My mother tried her best to make him comfortable. She thought that Grey was just very shy. My father tried to intimidate him. I would like to sink at my seat at that time!

While we were on the living room, Grey’s eyes looked at every corner of the room. There was even one instance when he opened the refrigerator to check on what was inside. He probably imagined us owning a two-door refrigerator with lots of foods inside.

Disappointed was an understatement if I would assess his reaction about my family’s social standing. He was disillusioned! I realize now that his shock was not because he met my parents but because he expected us to be rich like our relatives.

I Should Have Shouted For Help

I was discharged the following day using the company health card. Since the professional fee of the OB/GYN was not covered on the health card, Grey borrowed money from his teammates. I would forever be grateful to his teammates for helping us when we were still penniless. Grey hated this kind of life and he always dreamed of a better life. At the early years in our relationship, there were times when he secretly went to our place to meet me. Those were the times when the relationship was still in infancy stage. In a way, he learned about my family and how we were related to some of the powers-that-be in our place. I often reminded him that though we had influential relatives and family friends, we were at the poor side of the family tree. How poor was poor would depend upon his discovery later on.

One thing that I wanted in him was his financial responsibility. Though he assumed that my family was well-off, he didn’t let me pay a single centavo for my hospitalization. Back to our unit, the caretaker was surprised to see me on a Sunday afternoon as she was used to my going home to the countryside every weekends. I told her that I was on a sick leave and she assumed that I had lung problems.

Grey bought dinner from a fast food. We did not talk about what happened or rather, we avoided talking about the D&C. Instead, he instructed me to go to work the following day to erase all doubts about the miscarriage. I agreed though I was still very dizzy and unsure if I could come to work the next day.

Before bedtime, he started fondling my breasts. I removed his hand and turned my back on him. He pinned my shoulders down on the bed and went on top of me. I struggled. I threatened to shout for help.

“Then shout! If you want other people to know, go ahead!”

I was in my early 20’s then and image was important. If anybody knew about my ordeal, it would drag my “market value” down. This was Asia, folks! Overwhelmed and confused about his actions, Grey took the chance to overpower me more. He tore down my pajama top and removed my panty.

“I am bleeding. Don’t do this,” I begged.

He did not listen. I was still hurting due to the procedure. He ejaculated inside of me and went to sleep as if nothing happened. Afraid of the possible infection, I went to the restroom to clean myself. I looked at myself on the mirror: red eyes from crying, torn clothes, blood on my private part, half-naked body. I looked awful!

The only consolation that I had on that night was receiving two text messages: one from a girl friend and another from a male teammate. They asked about what happened and if I was okay. I told them that I would report to work the following day and there was nothing to worry about.

The Start of a Black Hole

“I don’t think this is normal.” I told Grey over the phone. It was a busy day at work that day and I felt exhausted. After lunch, my stomach was cramping and my panty liner was soaked in blood.

Grey and I went to the OB/GYN after work. She assessed my condition and suggested a trans-vaginal ultrasound. The result was a blighted ovum and according to the OB/GYN, I needed a D&C immediately. I was admitted an hour later while Grey went to our unit to get me some clothes. The OB/GYN asked him to buy Cytotec to facilitate my miscarriage.

It was my first time to be admitted in a hospital without the presence of my family. I was nervous of what could happen to me later. I wanted to tell my closest friends in the office that I was in big trouble and I needed them to be there for me but Grey warned me not to tell anyone.

“You okay?”it was Grey, “Just pretend that you are in vacation. Look at your room, I got you a suite. Do you want to watch TV or just drink something from here?”

“What will I tell my mother why I cannot go home today?”

“Tell her that you are sick.”

Then he lay down on the hospital bed and started teasing me.

“It amazes me how you can still manage to act like that. You won the game!” I said.

He was about to reply but a nurse entered the room. Grey told her that he was not able to buy the Cytotec that the doctor prescribed. The nurse excused herself for a while and then came back with a news that my D&C would be at eight o’clock that night.

Later, two nurses entered my hospital room with a wheelchair and then asked me to sit on it. I was laughing on the way to the operating room because Grey was making funny faces. Grey would have wanted to join me in the operating room but the OB/GYN politely told him to just wait outside.

“She’s in good hands, don’t worry,”the OB/GYB said.

It was an easy procedure except it felt awkward. While they were removing the gestational sac (if that’s the correct terminology), I wondered if my stress, the ascorbic acid and the punching had something to do with my miscarriage. I hated Grey for everything that I had to went through but I hated myself more for allowing him to do the things that he should not have done in the first place.

When the procedure was done, the male nurse notified Grey. According to the male nurse, Grey was crying when he saw him. I asked him (Grey) later why he cried.

“Because we lost him.”

I never got over my miscarriage. The miscarriage led to a more complicated relationship set up later on. The guilty feelings that we had were slowly eating and poisoning the relationship. The roller coaster of emotions, the love-hate relationship and the love-lust tug-of-war would be a constant staple in our relationship that was doomed from the start. There would be more lies, more pretensions, more manipulations later on.

The miscarriage ended our problem in the short run. In the long run, both of us were put into a black hole until Grey decided that he needed an escape from us. It took him five long years to plan that escape.


“I Love You. Good Night.”

“Grey, I’m spotting!”

I woke him up as if it was an emergency. He asked if it was heavy or not. I told him that it was very light. We went to work that day.

While in the office, my stomach was cramping. It was painful but a tolerable one. The spotting was still there, I felt like having my period. The on and off spotting lasted for one week. Then I noticed that my nipples were no longer sore and I could tolerate my officemate’s perfume already.

In spite of his decision to keep the baby, Grey did not slow down on his nightly drinking with his friends. One night, I became paranoid again of what could have happened to the baby so I texted him to go home. No reply.

“Go home now. Hyperacidity.”

It was a code that meant “Go home now. Cramping.” It worked because after half an hour, he was home but very drunk. He checked my underwear and found no blood on it. He was obviously pissed off because I tricked him into going home so he lied down on the floor to sleep.

“Why did you say that you were cramping?”

“I wanted you to go home.”

“I’m just having fun.”

“And I am no fun to be with?”

No reply. He seemed to fall into sleep. I removed his shoes, jeans and shirt until all was left was his underwear. I wet a face towel to freshen him up.

“My wife is serving me.”

I thought he was sleeping. He got up and went to our bed. I told him to brush his teeth first before sleeping. Yes, like a dutiful….wife? He did but the smell of beer was still evident. He wanted to kiss me and I hesitated because of that.

“Don’t worry, it will just be a kiss. I’m having a bad headache. I need to sleep.”

The kiss started gently and in the middle of it, passionately. Both of us were fond of French kissing. It was like a game. Whoever gets tired first will lose.

“I love you. Good night.”

“I love you, too Grey. Good night.”