His Revelation

For some reasons, Grey wanted to keep the baby but he was still strong in his decision not to marry me. I asked him if his parents were already aware of my condition. He said that he would only tell them what happened on the day that he would give the baby for them to take care of. Grey’s idea added more to my stress. First, he was not willing to marry me. Second, he was only after the baby.

After having dinner, we decided to take a walk to talk. I wanted to know why he changed his mind about keeping the baby.

“I have taken large doses of ascorbic acid that is enough to deform the fetus!”

“But you did not bleed that is why we are keeping the baby!”

“What??? Because I did not bleed? You should not have pushed me from doing it, in the first place!”

“I told you, I am not ready!”

“Ready for what? Marriage or fatherhood?”

“BOTH! But I can learn about fatherhood more than about being a married man!”

“I hate you! You used me! You used me to feed your fantasies! You ruined me!”

At this point, people were already stopping to check if we were arguing or what. We became aware of it so we moved to another area for more privacy.

“Have I told you that I was a product of a failed abortion?”

“You are just making stories.”

“It’s true! My mother tried to abort me, she told me about it years later; unaware that the revelation affected me. The first time you said you could be pregnant, I was very afraid. I wished for your miscarriage. But when I saw you taking large doses of ascorbic acid to end your pregnancy, I felt pity for the baby. I saw myself in his situation. Unwanted. Unloved.”

Grey sat down on the bench. I was still standing, dumbfounded.

“You wish to end the cycle in your family where abortion is an option. I also wish to end my cycle of unplanned pregnancy. So whether you like it or not, I AM NOT KEEPING YOUR CHILD!”

I punched my lower abdomen very hard. Grey had never seen me so furious. Instead of asking me to stop, he walked out. The fury and the punching ate so much of my energy. With Grey gone, I sat down on the bench and cried.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby, I’m sorry.”

Grey went back and said that we better go home. While walking, I felt a gush of liquid on my underwear. We stopped to a public restroom to check.

“It was nothing, just a clear liquid,” I told Grey.

“The baby is probably mad at you for punching him.”

Later at our unit, Grey caressed my tummy and removed my panty. I told him that if he wanted to keep the baby, then we should refrain from making love.

“No rough sex, I promise,” then he kissed my sore nipples. He positioned himself on top of me and gently penetrated me. While doing this, I felt a gush of liquid again. I was not yet orgasming so I told Grey that it could still be the effect of my punching earlier. I moved my legs in an attempt to stop him. He stopped for a while then looked at me in the eye.

“You will let me finish first,” then his hands pushed my legs apart and started penetrating me again. I was now angry and I started reminding him about what happened earlier.

“You talk too much!” he said.

He put his left hand to cover my mouth, his left arm pinned down my left arm, too while his right hand secured my right arm. I could not move as his body was on top of me. Then, I felt that he was licking my breasts; it aroused me. When he sucked my nipples, I let go of a soft moan.

“Do you love me?” he asked.

I did not answer right away. He sucked my nipples harder.

“Ohh…please!”

“Do you love me?”

“Yes, I love you.”

“Then you will make love with me, anytime, anywhere.”

“Do as you want.”

It was one of the big orgasms that I had after finding out about my pregnancy.

“I thought you wanted me to be gentle.” Grey teased me after our sex. He was pertaining to my thrusting prior to our orgasm.

“You rocked the bed!” he added.

I would have wanted to tell him that yes, I enjoyed the sex. There were times when I enjoyed the forced sex, too. Grey knew how to turn me on when he wanted to and when to pursue with a real rape. The only source of intimacy between us was lust. I would have wanted a real relationship with  true love.

Before I slept, I thought about taking care of the baby and make his life different from what his father experienced. Maybe, it was not yet too late to be a good mother.

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First Signs of Paranoia

I had brought so much pain and shame to my conservative parents when I got pregnant out of wedlock. I would have wanted to get married but my then-boyfriend was not yet ready. Even if he was, my parents did not welcome the idea of me walking down the aisle with him. I was 19 years old.

I left the baby to my parents to continue my studies. Indirectly, I asked my ex-future father in law, who had a house in the city, if they could accommodate the baby. When he answered that there would be more relatives on my side to take care of the baby, I did not insist.

The first pregnancy was unplanned, too. We were on the verge of a break-up when I learned about my pregnancy. The next two years after giving birth was a roller coaster ride to heaven and hell. My ex was the sweetest man but he could turn into a monster when jealousy strikes. Slapping, shoving and even threating were his forte. On the contrary to Grey’s maniacal sex drive, our lovemaking was full of love and gentleness. What ruined the beautiful relationship was his obsession to the idea of being in love and staying in love to the point of suffocation.

I was on my way to my parents’ house when I thought of telling my ex about my problem. I composed a text message but something was stopping me not to do so. Instead, I searched for my friend’s number and asked if she could help me.

Sandy was my high school BFF. We were inseparable until we had to study in different school in college. We exchanged letters and we saw each other every summer vacation. Sandy’s family was conservative, too. I was friends with her sisters and they regarded me as a family member. She wrote me a letter when she learned about my first pregnancy from a common friend. My pregnancy started as a rumor and when the baby was out, the news spread like wild fire! It was my first taste of family scandal and it took me years to move on from that guilt.

Sandy was now a licensed pharmacist. I texted her about my unplanned second pregnancy and asked her if she could give me a medicine to induce miscarriage. I knew it was a slap on her face considering two things: first,  she was a pharmacist and her role was to save life, not terminate it and second, her conservative beliefs would not allow me to have an abortion.

I waited for Sandy’s reply but there was none. I took it as a sign that she was very mad at me. Monday morning, I was travelling back to the city when I received a text message from her. Those were the days of Nokia phones and there was this cute image of a frog holding flowers and beneath it were the words, “Sorry, I cannot help you. I hope you understand.”

I was so ashamed of what I asked her to do. It has been 15 years yet I still remember the frog-holding-flowers text message.

After work, I went home ahead of Grey, as usual. He justified his workaholism due to my pregnancy. I tried my best to understand him but there were just some days when all I needed was his assurance that whatever happened, the two of us would stick together. Grey normally went home by 10PM if he came straight from the office but he could go home as late as 12 midnight when he needed time to relax with his friends. I waited for him until 10 PM until I fell into sleep. A text message disturbed my sleep and thinking it was from Grey, I picked the phone to read it. False alarm, it was from my teammate. The time was now 12AM. I texted Grey if he was on the way. No reply. My hands were starting to get cold because of stress so I decided to go to the restroom to wash his clothes. It took me until 2AM to finish the laundry and still, there was no Grey. I ringed his cellphone and found out that it was turned off. I texted his teammates but nobody was answering. I decided to find out myself what happened to him so I changed my clothes and decided to go to his office.

It was 2:30 AM and there I was on the way to his office. I took a cab and asked him to wait for me at the parking space. The company guard asked me what I was doing at that early hour. I told him that Grey asked me to come over. The guard said that Grey left at around 12 midnight. I told him that Grey asked me to check his desk because he left his wallet and we had to settle the bill at the bar. The guard was convinced of my alibi so he allowed me to proceed to Grey’s office. There were some employees from the other department who was on night shift so it was safe to go there.

At the office, I hurriedly went to Grey’s desk and check his computer. It was still warm. It was either the guard miscalculated Grey’s exit time or Grey set the computer’s power off to 2PM. Grey was no longer at the office so I decided to go home. I changed my mind and went inside a restaurant, instead. I called up Grey’s officemate and asked him to see me at the restaurant because Grey was missing. Yes, I was that paranoid. His officemate asked me my location and I told him that I was just a few steps away from his house. It was 4:30 AM. He said that he could not come but he asked me to stay inside and not leave.

After 30 minutes, I saw a familiar figure walking towards me. It was Grey. I hugged him and then I cried.

“What do you think you are doing?” he asked.

“Finding you. I thought that something bad happened to you!”

“You are just being paranoid.”

“I am paranoid. What will happen to me and the baby when you’re gone?”

“Let’s go home. I will not be gone. Don’t do this again, okay?”

From the point of view of his officemates and teammates, I was a controlling and paranoid girlfriend. Controlling? No. Paranoid? Yes. Who am I in Grey’s life to be able to control him? But yes, I was paranoid about losing him. I didn’t care if I put myself in bad light as long as Grey was safe then I was happy.

 

 

 

 

Unwanted Child

I took the ascorbic acid religiously for three days but it did not produce the effect that we wanted. I cried myself to sleep and I was awakened by Grey’s caresses. I pretended that I went back to sleep because I didn’t want him to see my puffy eyes. I realized that he was not touching me in a sexual way but unexpectedly, in a loving way. More than that, he was caressing my tummy and not that thing between my thighs.

“I’m sorry for messing up your life.”

Tears fell down my shoulder.

He was crying. Until now, I am trying to analyze if those tears were for me or for our baby. I didn’t ask him about it because I pretended to be sleeping. There was no sex that night and for whatever reasons, he just slept while embracing me. I slowly moved and turned my back away from him.

The next day, I told him that I was not yet bleeding. He said that maybe that was a sign to discontinue whatever plans we had about terminating the pregnancy. I asked him if that meant keeping the pregnancy and marrying him. He said that he has not changed his mind about not marrying me. In my rage, I took a tablet of ascorbic acid again.

“If something happens on the baby…!!!”

“Then what? Why are you acting so concerned about the baby when it was you who asked me to abort this?”

“I realize that I want to keep the baby. Bring him to my parents and let them take care of him.”

“And do you think I’ll let it happen?”

“Okay, bring the baby to your family and let’s see if they would accept him. Remember that you have a child there, too!”

I did not argue any longer with Grey. Instead, I secretly put the ascorbic acid bottle inside my bag. I would have to continue with the original plan.

His Watering Hole

It had been two weeks after knowing that I was pregnant and despite the physical and sexual exhaustion, there were no signs that I would lose the baby. Grey resorted to researching about natural abortifacient and discovered that large doses of ascorbic acid could lead to miscarriage. He lost no time in buying two bottles of ascorbic acid and instructed me to take 1-1000 milligrams tablet every four hours. That would have been 4000 milligrams of ascorbic acid per day and I was afraid of the other side-effects aside from losing the baby. I was 3 and a half months pregnant by this time and the bump was slowly showing.

I was worried about the ascorbic acid’s effect on my stomach because I was always throwing up every afternoon and taking a high dose of it might cause hyperacidity. For some strange reason, Grey handed over his ATM card to me.

“You will now take care of our budget.”

It gave me a little hope that maybe, he was ready to settle down this time and keep the baby. I excitedly told him to ask his married officemates on how to run a household. His mood changed from happy to irritated and went back to giving me instructions on how to take the ascorbic acid correctly.

“What are you feeling aside from dizziness?”

“I always feel tired.”

“Does this one hurt?” he pinched my nipples and felt something beneath my clothes. He untied my pink nighties and laughed at what he saw.

I put a layer of cotton ball and taped them on my nipples to prevent them from touching my nighties. He asked me to remove them as they looked weird. I carefully removed them because the nipples were hurting like hell! Grey gently rolled his two fingers on my nipple and squeezed them. His fingers got a little wet and he was surprised to see me leaking at this early stage of pregnancy. He assumed that it was a healthy pregnancy, one that required more efforts to terminate. He sucked my nipples and said that breast milk did not taste like milk at all. Surprisingly, as the pregnancy was progressing, I was reacting more to Grey’s touches and advances. This would have a repercussion to me later on.

Being the Jekyll and Hyde that he was, his phone calls to my office landline seemed to be an innocent check up whether I had taken my “vitamins” or not yet. My teammates would tease me about it because they thought that he was just being sweet. Little did they knew about the real reason why he had to know if I had taken the ascorbic acid or not yet.

Going home to my parents’ house was a challenge when it comes to taking the ascorbic acid. There was a time when I almost confided to my mother but she had her own issues, too so I decided to keep my pregnancy a secret.

Back to our workplace, Grey was getting more competitive. His hard work was now paying off and he was slowly creating a name for himself. This made me insecure because he was not just another bachelor anymore but one who was a fancy of every women I knew. I couldn’t use my pregnancy as a leverage to keep him because settling down with me was the farthest thing on his mind. My teammates thought that I was a strong and independent woman because their basis was just my job performance. They had no idea that I was hopelessly in love with a man whose love for me was questionable. They had no idea that I was treated as a sex object and the pregnancy was a result of an unprotected sex. Even my closest friends were not aware of my pregnancy because that was how Grey wanted it all along. In all fairness to me, I had my own share of male admirers that Grey found either disrespectful of him or a sex addict like him. Of course, these were just Grey’s accusations and I wouldn’t tolerate an officemate to make a pass on me.

One time, he caught one of his teammates looking at me. He put his arm around me and brushed his hand on my breast. I removed his arm and told him that it was humiliating.

“You are just enjoying his attention,” he whispered to me in an annoyed tone.

“Are you crazy? I’m pregnant, remember?”

“He doesn’t know, bitch!”

We pretended that we were just playing around so his teammate had no idea about the jealous streak. The green-eyed monster proved his dominance later on….stronger…rougher.

 

I Fed His Fantasies

The short Christmas break gave me the opportunity to face what was really bothering me. Upon our return to the city and to the unit that we were renting, I told Grey about my pregnancy symptoms. He touched my stomach and said that he couldn’t feel any bump. I told him about my sore nipples and my late afternoon sickness and he suggested that I could be suffering from PMS.

We went to work as usual and pretended that every thing was okay. The late afternoon sickness was not going away so Grey decided to bring me to a doctor. I can’t remember why we didn’t go to the hospital where I was a regular customer for an ultrasound. Instead, we went to another hospital where people would not recognize us. To explain the previous visits for an ultrasound, I mentioned that Grey preferred unprotected sex but he was not ready to be a father. Early detection meant early solution if you get what I mean. Therefore, this trip to the doctor to verify my pregnancy was just a normal routine for us.

The receptionist asked my concern and I was lost for words. Grey said that he wanted to know if I was pregnant because the pregnancy test kit showed a faint positive line. I filled up the form and used Grey’s last name to conceal my identity. Then, the receptionist gave me a specimen bottle for my urine sample. I had to buy a bottle of mineral water because I had little urine to pass. When the sample was ready, I went to join Grey on the waiting area.

He was not looking at me. He was just there sitting while occasionally pulling his hair. There were times when I caught him staring at my tummy. When the receptionist called my name, we stood up instantaneously.

“The result is…………………… you’re pregnant! Congratulations!” she said.

“How can that be when she had a faint positive line on the pregnancy test kit?”

“Hmmmm…but our result is 100% accurate. She really is pregnant. Would you like to set an appointment to our resident OB-G?”

We told the receptionist that we would schedule that some other time. She said it was okay but I needed to be seen by a doctor because I was almost three months on the family way. Grey looked at me with suspicious eyes.

While walking, I asked Grey about his plans.

“My parents will not approve this. Sorry, I cannot marry you.”

I nodded but I felt like I was about to faint. I didn’t expect those words from him. I thought of my toddler and how things would change when the new baby comes. I remembered the first time my parents knew about my unplanned pregnancy and how they accepted it but made me promise that I would never do it again. I remembered my ex’s reaction when he learned about my pregnancy. Just like Grey, he was surprised but it was understandable. We were still college students then.

“Grey…. I’ve failed my parents once. They would never accept this second unplanned pregnancy. So please marry me. I am not asking for an extravagant one. Just please marry me.”

He was speechless until we reached our unit. We ate dinner without talking to one another. When we were about to sleep, he finally talked to me.

“Your pregnancy is almost 3 months. Then why did you not tell me about it?”

“It was only in late December when I felt the symptoms.”

“Your ex visited you in December, right?”

“What does it got to do with my pregnancy?”

“Because he could be the one responsible for that!”

“I told you, I was already having pregnancy symptoms when he visited! And nothing happened between us!” I cried while answering.

“Whenever I asked you if you were safe, you would always say you were safe! For what? Are you trying to trap me into marrying you?”

“And how many times did you force me on those days that I was unsafe?”

“You know, I cannot really marry you! I would never be happy settling down with you!”

Those words pierced my heart. I knew I was in the losing end of the argument.

“So what are your plans if you cannot marry me?”

“To make your life difficult. To end your pregnancy.”

“What??? Some first time fathers would do anything to protect their wives’ pregnancy and there you are thinking of ways to end mine!”

“Why, can you afford to stand on your own?”

Can I afford to stand on my own? Fifteen years ago, my answer was no. I was just starting my career and my salary was just enough to support my toddler who was in the company of my parents. I was very confused what to do but knowing that it was a lone fight, I gave in to Grey’s plans. When he said that he wanted to make my life difficult, he was not kidding. He meant it well. The next few weeks would be like a living hell physically and emotionally. His Jekyll and Hyde character would put me into a deeper downward spiral. In terms of physical labor, he stopped bringing his clothes to the laundry and asked me to wash them manually until I get tired. Cleaning our unit would mean scrubbing the floor until I get tired. Now that I was pregnant and safe for unprotected sex, there were more sex, rougher sex to get rid of my pregnancy, according to him.

“The best part of your pregnancy is fucking you.”

There were days when my maternal side dominated my desire to get rid of my pregnancy. I avoided coffee in the office and stroke my tummy gently. I was three months pregnant by this time and the bump was not yet showing. Grey spent most his time drinking and when confronted about it, he asked me to join him in the bar. I ordered mango shake but Grey replaced it with a bottle of beer instead. When he noticed that I was not drinking, he questioned it and presumed that I was protecting my pregnancy and not cooperating to his plan. I finished the bottle of beer and I felt tipsy as I was not used to drinking alcoholic beverages. Grey had two more bottles of beer before we went home.

He started undressing me the moment the door was closed. I told him that the window was still open and somebody from the other building might see us.

“Let them watch us. I don’t care.” My jeans were already open, the top part of my body was exposed. I looked at the window and found the unit from the other building with closed lights. While I was on top of him, I discovered more about his sexual fantasies like making love to a pregnant woman. His second fantasy involved me in a darker way.

“Once I’m done here, five more men will line up to fuck you!”

He held my arms to avoid me from touching him while I moved myself up and down from him. Now it made sense why he didn’t want me to touch him during sex. He was fantasizing about a gang rape all along. My pregnancy was a result of his sexual fantasy.

Fast forward to present day, I could not believe I agreed to that kind of set up. Maybe I was not empowered 15 years ago as compared to now. Why did I confuse love from lust, passion from sexual fantasies? Why did I assume that the level of love was just the same? Why did I let him mess up with my pregnancy?

A Tale of Two Lovers

Christmas vacation, my ex-boyfriend visited our child and bought her some clothes for the holiday. I was not in the mood most of the time and my mother thought that I was picking on my ex. I was also clueless why I had erratic mood swings and my temperature was always high. I was a little suspicious that I could be pregnant as a result of unprotected sex with Grey yet I didn’t want to entertain the idea. My ex-bf noticed my grumpiness and teased me about it.

“You must be missing your boyfriend!”

I ignored him. He continued to tease me by ringing my cellphone. I walked out of the living room in rage. My mother reprimanded me for misbehaving.

Lunch time, we all went to my grandmother’s house. For a short time, our toddler felt complete. My relatives were advising me to go back to my ex and settle whatever differences we had. I held back myself from divulging why I had to leave him. I could never live with someone who physically hurts somebody especially if that somebody is me.

Ex-bf had to leave after lunch to catch up on family-related activities. Feeling guilty of what I did earlier, I offered to pack up his things because he was staying in my grandmother’s house for the short vacation. I didn’t know if it was my hormones but I had a powerful urge to kiss him. I  tried to control myself.

“So, here are your things. Take care and give my regards to your parents.”

He closed the door for a little privacy and cornered me. He started kissing me passionately. I tried to push him away but his hands became more aggressive. Slowly, I was literally melting into his arms and I found myself kissing him, too. His kisses were going down my neck while I freed my arms from his arrest and embraced him tightly. He grabbed my breasts and fondled them and it hurt a little.

“It hurts,” I said.

With that familiar burning passion in his eyes, he raised my blouse and freed my breasts from the bra.

“Those are getting bigger,” he said. He sucked like a hungry infant and my nipples hurt so bad. I asked him to stop and sensing that I was not faking the pain, he stopped.

“Okay. I’ll just go to the restroom. Fix yourself. I needed to go, by the way.”

When he left the room, I checked myself at mirror and noticed that my breasts were larger than usual. The nipples were still hurting. Could I really be pregnant with Grey’s child?

When my ex went back to the room to tell me that it was time for him to go, I apologized for my misbehavior about the cellphone incident. He replied by apologizing about the “sucking” incident. We both laughed. I reminded him that that intimacy did not mean anything to me.

Did I miss my ex’s gentle lovemaking? With Grey, it was always a forceful entry and I felt like a piece of meat every time we had sex. With my ex, he could be the gentlest man on bed yet a horrifying monster when jealous.

First Hint of Betrayal

Tooootoooot…. Toootoooot…

I hurriedly went out of the restroom to check Grey’s cellphone. I was never into the habit of opening the text messages on his cellphone but I thought that it was probably him texting me to inform me to bring his cellphone to his office. He left earlier than usual for some work-related activities and because he was in a hurry, he didn’t notice that he was not able to bring along his cellphone.

“Why cousin? Are you secretly in love with me?”

The text said.

My heart stopped beating, I was thinking that Grey was in love with his male cousin and he was gay!

“Oh, cousin! Did I offend you? I am just joking,” said the unknown sender.

I checked the sent messages and found Grey’s messages.

“So can I court you?” Grey asked.

I was already crying. I thought that Grey was in love with his cousin’s girlfriend. I put the phone in my bag and met Grey at the canteen. His mood changed upon seeing the cellphone.

“Why are you reading my messages?” he was mad.

I tried to apologize but he kept on asking me why I read the messages. I went to my cubicle feeling guilty and sad but life had to go on; I tried my best to remain unaffected.

Later that day, we had dinner at our unit and Grey was unusually quiet. His sad eyes were a give-away that he was lying about getting mad at me.

“Tell me the truth, Grey…. you texted another girl and asked her if you could court her!”

He just looked at me as if confirming my doubt. I slapped him for the first time. I was very angry and hurt. The man whom I gave my whole life to had turned into a monster of his own making. He went inside the restroom to avoid me. I followed him and shoved him. He shoved me, too and I fell down the floor. When he saw me in pain, he carried me and apologized. He was crying, too.

I couldn’t remember what happened next because I fell into deep sleep. I woke up the next day with swollen eyes from crying. When Grey sensed that I was already awake, he whispered “I’m sorry” and then went on having sex with me. To end our rift, I told him that I would just forget the text incident. We went to work and my teammates asked me about my swollen eyes. In between tears, I told them about what happened and one of them cried.

Had anybody told me on that moment to walk away from Grey, I would have taken enough courage to move on from him. But I was too weak and broken to the point of hopelessness.

 

He Loved Me For Sex, I Wanted Him For Love

We pushed through with Grey’s idea to try if there’s available unit on the building that my former officemate used to live. His lucky stars waved at him because there was one unit available for us. Not only that, the unit was second to the last which meant more privacy for us.

The caretakers asked us if we were married. I said not yet.

“Ahhh…. so living in arrangement?”

Neither of us replied to them.

Anyway, it was an easy transaction. Grey paid a month advance and two months deposit worth of rent. We could move in anytime. We went back to our first unit to start the packing process. In a week’s time, we were already settled to our new “home.”

The new place was smaller than our old place but I felt more secured. There was a small store at the same floor that we lived so mid-night snack was no longer a problem. Because Grey also felt that the new place was safer, he started working longer hours. If he was really at work or elsewhere partying, I had no idea. I wanted to spend more time with him but he was too busy at work, then with his friends (bar hopping), then with me. He would go home drunk, then would insist on making love with me whether I was in the mood or not, then sleep.

I told him one time that more than sex, I wanted us to have a real conversation about anything under the sun: religion, books, movies, education, politics or even us.

“Making love with you is all I wanted,” he said. It would have been flattering but I was tired of him thinking of me as a sex object. He had the stamina to make love with me five times a day (upon waking up, in the shower, twice before bedtime and at 2-3AM) but he was too lazy to even strike a good conversation with me.

Ironically, he was too good for me in the eyes of his friends and officemates. I had no one else to talk to about my relationship problem because everyone at work thought that he was perfect. Who am I to put him in bad light? Besides, I was so in love with him in spite of everything.

Nest Hunting

The unit where we were staying was soon to be renovated so the caretaker advised us to find another place. It was one hell of a year at that unit! It was the unit that witnessed the many firsts in my life with Grey and it was the same unit that made me paranoid about safety.

We went to look for a new place at the neighboring streets. The first prospect was a studio-type apartment but it was too old and not worth the price. The second one was also old and without a restroom inside.

“How could I leave you in a place like that? You would need to go outside to use the restroom? No way!” Grey said with a naughty smile on his face. I felt loved.

My college friends asked me if we wanted to see their place and share it with them. I told them that I had company. They seemed to be okay with our set-up so we went to the house that they were renting. It was a big house with enough room for an occupant of almost 8 people. The bedrooms were big and tidy. The restroom was also spacious. I wanted that place even if we needed to bring our own bed and closet. Grey seemed to be not excited about it and I got it because living with my college friends would mean less privacy. In the end, we did not pursue the offer.

Grey’s eyes suddenly lit up.

“Hey! Why don’t we try the unit where your former officemates lived?”

“That would be one ride from work. Extra expense.”

“But I’m the one in-charge of that so you don’t need to worry.”

In all fairness to him, you cannot fault him when it comes to providing for me. He was a good provider be it appliances, food or even travels. This was despite the fact that both of us were just starting in our career at the time when we were together. Money was just a piece of paper for both of us and we were happy. Grey’s manipulative attitude towards me was one of the early signs of an abusive relationship. But being young and naïve, I thought everything that he did was just being loving. Looking back, I wish that I had the courage to turn my back on him the moment the caretaker of our first unit asked us to find another place. That would have been a clean escape . Instead, I listened to my heart and went to live with him for another two years.

His Superficial Love

Having mutual friends is both an advantage and a disadvantage after the break up. The advantage of having one is you can still be updated about your ex’s life even without asking him. The disadvantage is you will be reminded about the failed relationship.

I used our mutual friends to my advantage when I bragged about how good my career was after the break up. Now, I realize that that was a stupid move! You don’t brag about your happiness; it simply radiates from within you.

This mutual friend has a habit of reminding my past with Grey and how “good” the relationship was. Of course, I wouldn’t tell him that my past with Grey was not as perfect as everyone assumed.

Grey would only think of me whenever he had time.

Grey would only love me whenever it was convenient for him.

I can’t remember if he knew my favorite color. I can’t remember if we had a serious topic. His obsession on his ideal woman consumed his thoughts most of the time and every mistake that I did was a deduction on my standing. Ironically, he was also a green-eyed monster. He claimed that he trusted me too much yet he was also critical of my past. Sex was his territory where he was at his most manipulative.

The problem with me then was I was too blinded by my love and devotion that was why I failed to see the red flags in the relationship. I thought that the roller coaster relationship was normal. I thought that his obsession on my physical looks was flattering. I thought that his jealous fits was a sign of love. I thought that sex must be available for him anytime he wanted; regardless if I was feeling unwell or not.

When I asked him if he would allow his sister to be in a living in arrangement, his mood shifted from happy to irritated.

“I wouldn’t want any man to put my sister in that kind of arrangement!”

“Then why are you doing the same to me?”

My question caught him off guard. He said that I was different because I was going to be his wife someday. I told him that he could do that anytime. He replied that he needed money first.

“No, you don’t need to marry me in a big church wedding. A simple one will do.”

The topic about getting married was the start of the many arguments and petty  fights in our relationship. It was a topic that he was allergic to yet every time he wanted to have unprotected sex, it was the same topic that he used to sway me into agreeing.

Foolish love.