For some reasons, Grey wanted to keep the baby but he was still strong in his decision not to marry me. I asked him if his parents were already aware of my condition. He said that he would only tell them what happened on the day that he would give the baby for them to take care of. Grey’s idea added more to my stress. First, he was not willing to marry me. Second, he was only after the baby.
After having dinner, we decided to take a walk to talk. I wanted to know why he changed his mind about keeping the baby.
“I have taken large doses of ascorbic acid that is enough to deform the fetus!”
“But you did not bleed that is why we are keeping the baby!”
“What??? Because I did not bleed? You should not have pushed me from doing it, in the first place!”
“I told you, I am not ready!”
“Ready for what? Marriage or fatherhood?”
“BOTH! But I can learn about fatherhood more than about being a married man!”
“I hate you! You used me! You used me to feed your fantasies! You ruined me!”
At this point, people were already stopping to check if we were arguing or what. We became aware of it so we moved to another area for more privacy.
“Have I told you that I was a product of a failed abortion?”
“You are just making stories.”
“It’s true! My mother tried to abort me, she told me about it years later; unaware that the revelation affected me. The first time you said you could be pregnant, I was very afraid. I wished for your miscarriage. But when I saw you taking large doses of ascorbic acid to end your pregnancy, I felt pity for the baby. I saw myself in his situation. Unwanted. Unloved.”
Grey sat down on the bench. I was still standing, dumbfounded.
“You wish to end the cycle in your family where abortion is an option. I also wish to end my cycle of unplanned pregnancy. So whether you like it or not, I AM NOT KEEPING YOUR CHILD!”
I punched my lower abdomen very hard. Grey had never seen me so furious. Instead of asking me to stop, he walked out. The fury and the punching ate so much of my energy. With Grey gone, I sat down on the bench and cried.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby, I’m sorry.”
Grey went back and said that we better go home. While walking, I felt a gush of liquid on my underwear. We stopped to a public restroom to check.
“It was nothing, just a clear liquid,” I told Grey.
“The baby is probably mad at you for punching him.”
Later at our unit, Grey caressed my tummy and removed my panty. I told him that if he wanted to keep the baby, then we should refrain from making love.
“No rough sex, I promise,” then he kissed my sore nipples. He positioned himself on top of me and gently penetrated me. While doing this, I felt a gush of liquid again. I was not yet orgasming so I told Grey that it could still be the effect of my punching earlier. I moved my legs in an attempt to stop him. He stopped for a while then looked at me in the eye.
“You will let me finish first,” then his hands pushed my legs apart and started penetrating me again. I was now angry and I started reminding him about what happened earlier.
“You talk too much!” he said.
He put his left hand to cover my mouth, his left arm pinned down my left arm, too while his right hand secured my right arm. I could not move as his body was on top of me. Then, I felt that he was licking my breasts; it aroused me. When he sucked my nipples, I let go of a soft moan.
“Do you love me?” he asked.
I did not answer right away. He sucked my nipples harder.
“Do you love me?”
“Yes, I love you.”
“Then you will make love with me, anytime, anywhere.”
“Do as you want.”
It was one of the big orgasms that I had after finding out about my pregnancy.
“I thought you wanted me to be gentle.” Grey teased me after our sex. He was pertaining to my thrusting prior to our orgasm.
“You rocked the bed!” he added.
I would have wanted to tell him that yes, I enjoyed the sex. There were times when I enjoyed the forced sex, too. Grey knew how to turn me on when he wanted to and when to pursue with a real rape. The only source of intimacy between us was lust. I would have wanted a real relationship with true love.
Before I slept, I thought about taking care of the baby and make his life different from what his father experienced. Maybe, it was not yet too late to be a good mother.